This week, I have something special for you all, featuring a community we’ve all been a part of. Whether it was on purpose, or unintentionally. Whether we’re part of this community now, or have been in the part. It’s something everyone can relate to.

The community I’m talking about is the community-less community.

For anyone who feels like they don’t quite belong. For anyone who feels like they don’t really connect. Or for anyone who just wants to understand.

This is for you. ❤

To Where Do I Belong? 

By Z.Rise

We live in a world centered around communities. But not how communities used to be. Today, our lives center around who we are, as people, online. How many friends or followers do you have? Who do you subscribe to? What’s your Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat?

Today, you can join Facebook groups to talk with likeminded people. You can join “communities” on Tumblr to talk with fellow humans, post your thoughts, laugh at the same memes. All these connections, all these groups—but according to psychology professor Laurie Santos of Yale University, around 60 percent of Americans today report increasing, regular feelings of loneliness (Yang). That’s 6 out of every ten people. 6 in ten people, asking these questions to themselves, every day. Who am I? Where do I belong? 

I consider myself to be one of those 6 in 10. I’ve been homeschooled my entire life, and I’m generally a pretty active person. I’m taking classes at a community college. I’m part of a strong teen writers’ forum. I used to regularly volunteer at the library, and every time I visit, I catch up with the librarians and we have a lot of fun conversations. I’m part of a teen art program. I work at a very popular ice cream shop, and make good acquaintances with pretty much everyone I work with. I’m the kind of person everyone seems to like, and still I find myself feeling lonely at least once a week, if not more.  

For this class, we were given the assignment to write about a community we’re a part of. I panicked when I saw the assignment. Because I genuinely don’t feel like I have a community. I do so much, but don’t connect with anyone but my family and my two best friends. But I knew I couldn’t be the only person who felt like this. Which led me to the concept of the community-less community. 

Now, this does feel more like a concept than a community, but I think it’s an important thing to talk about. I define the community-less community as follows: A group of people struggling to connect and/or find their place in this world. This can come from major changes in life, introversion, past trauma, or a collection of multiple things. It’s something many people can relate to and have most likely felt at some point in their lives, even if they won’t admit it.

But it’s something people don’t talk about. And as a member of this concept community, I find that crippling. In this world of constant judging, backlash, social media highlight reels and our culture’s obsession with perfection, it can be really, really hard to just go find my place. 

The irony is, I’m not alone in this. Missionary kids. Introverts. Homeschoolers. Public schoolers. Military kids. Anyone who’s moved once, or moved many times. The “weird” kids. Anyone who’s dealt with trauma from broken communities, friendships, or family. In my research, I’ve found these are the people who seem to find themselves community-less.

Grappling between the lines of society. Throwing darts at social wheels, praying at least one will stick for once.  And it makes sense. People who are part of these groups seem to struggle with a lack of, or difficulty with, social skills and connections. This can be from constant betrayal of relationships, never being able to create strong relationships in the first place, or simply having trouble keeping these connections in day-to-day life. 

People tend to have a million suggestions to fix this “problem.” In my opinion, I’ve found people who are naturally and consistently in communities, and some older generations, tend to be the most judgmental about our situation. Join a group. Talk to people. Suck up your shyness and just do something. Go talk to people. Stop worrying and go talk to people. Get off your phone, stop always being on your phone, and go talk to someone!

And on one hand, I get it. Yes, screens are crippling our social lives. Instead of talking to our neighbors, playing with the girl over the fence, we turn to Instagram and Messenger. We can text better than we can type, and we forget to take off our masks when we walk outside. But I argue the point that instead of just putting ourselves out there, we should take the time to tackle the root of the problem. 

What if, instead of criticizing those who feel community-less—or criticizing yourself for feeling community-less—we made more of an effort to pull people in? What if we put ourselves out there, unafraid? What if we accepted creativity, originally, and being a messy, imperfect human? What if, instead of this solid, crippling idea of having just one community, we ventured to open our minds to the idea of belonging to not just one place, but finding your people wherever they are, no matter what community they’ve placed themselves in?

What would happen if we questioned the very concept of community? 

I believe our world puts too much pressure on belonging to one community. Maybe because we believe one place would be easier. With one community, we wouldn’t have to mask or shapeshift with each new group. Right? But the reality is, we don’t have to do any of that. The concept of masking is large enough for a whole separate essay, but it’s the idea of changing yourself and showing different sides of your personality, depending on your situation. It’s someone almost everyone does, nearly unconsciously. We want to seem perfect, like our social media feed. The model child, or employee. We want that plaque on the wall. We try to fit the situation, so we can belong. 

But as humans, we are complex, in every sense of the word. Author Mignon G. Eberhart puts it this way: “The complexity of human relationships is never simple to follow; it is like intricate lacework… lacework made of steel.”(Eberhart) Humanity at its purest is strange, wild, and beautiful. Multifaceted. We need to embrace that. Relationships are messy, but those messy bits can create some of the most memorable moments in time. We as a society adore our “jack of all trades”. We cheer on the multitasker. We embrace those who wear a dozen hats.

But why do we turn away at the concept that you don’t have to just belong to one community? Why do we balk at the thought of belonging to a whole multitude of people, of connections, of communities? Toss away the mask. Burn it to a crisp. Bring your whole self forward. Why not venture forward to join as the spark calls to us, and meet everyone, and see everything? To join together, to learn together, to experience together? 

“The complexity of human relationships is never simple to follow; it is like intricate lacework… lacework made of steel.” – Mignon G. Eberhart

I recently conducted a series of interviews on my writing forum on those feeling community-less, and one user summarized it perfectly. They said “A community is something that connects people who have at least one thing in common.” (Pendragon). One thing. One concept. Not a checklist of stuff. Not a blacklist of things to avoid.

One thing in common.

Can you imagine our world, if we held open arms to those we had one thing in common with? If we pulled people in, helped them belong, instead of focusing on likes or acne or the fear of being rejected? We could have a world where people don’t feel as lonely. Where people don’t feel as judged. We can create a world where we switch the statistics on their head. No more “lonely 6 in ten.” Let’s bring the numbers down to 0 in ten. 

And we don’t have to wait for anyone else to do this. We can make a difference now. In my interview, a user named Lord Haldir said something that impacted me deeply. Belonging is something you fight for. And if you don’t fight for it, all the anxiety and negative thoughts will take over. You have to fight for your sense of community, through conversations, experiences, and interests. Even if it doesn’t come all at once, even if it never meets your expectations. Fight for it (Haldir).

Find your one thing. Connect that way. Open your arms to others who are struggling. Give yourself time, and grace, and forgiveness as you struggle. Know it’s a battle, one I fight every day. But if you keep fighting—keep battling—keep reaching out—one day, you can find your places.

You can create your community. 

Works Cited 

Eberhart, G. Mignon. “Top 7 Quotes by Mignon Eberhart.” azquotes, http://www.azquotes.com/author/28336-Mignon_G_Eberhart. Accessed 7 Jan. 2025  

Haldir, Lord. Online Interview. Conducted by Z.Rise, 31 Dec. 2024  

Pendragon, Violet. Online interview. Conducted by Z. Rise, 6 Jan. 2024  

Yang, John, and Laurie Santos. “Why Americans are Lonelier and its Effects on Our Health.” PBS. http://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/why-americans-are-lonelier-and-its-effects-on-our-health. Posted 8 Jan. 2023. Accessed 2 Jan. 2024.